Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde bloopers
by professionalprimadonna
Summary: The novel abridged humourously. Lots of bs and everyone being a drama queen. I regret nothing.


_A/N: I have no excuse for this. But I'm not sorry, so it doesn't matter anyway. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde belongs to an evil genius. Jk, it belongs to Robert Louis Stevenson._

1.

 **Enfield** : So some arsehole named Mr. Hyde trampled a little girl near that door over there.

 **Utterson** : Really? What did he look like?

 **Enfield** : Indescribable … very short and creepy … one repulsive little bastard.

 **Hyde** : *Randomly crawls out of the fiery pits of hell* Heard you were talking shit!

 **Enfield** : *Screaming like a little girl*

2.

 **Enfield** : STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! I saw you walk over that girl back there!

 **Hyde** : And…?

 **Enfield** : I will tell everyone what a monster you are!

 **Hyde** : That's what yo' mama said last night!

 **Enfield** : TTATT

3.

 **Utterson** : *Tabs Hyde on the shoulder* Mr. Hyde, I think?

 **Hyde** : HISSSSSSSSSS!

4.

 **Hyde** : How did you know me?

 **Utterson** : Show me your face, NOW!

 **Hyde** : What?! No!

 **Utterson** : PLEASE! I've been dreaming of it all week!

 **Hyde** : What the – ugh, fine! *Turns around* Happy?

 **Utterson** : *Le internal screaming*

5.

 **Utterson** : The Doctor seems to put a lot of faith in the young man …

 **Poole** : He's hella queer for him. -_-

 **Utterson** : NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

6.

 **Utterson** : So, I totally know that you're queer for this little spawn of hell.

 **Jekyll** : Oh no, it's not like that! There is no need to worry about m–

 **Utterson** : Oh, Harry! You don't have to hide your feelings from me! Just tell me what …

 **Jekyll** : *Kisses Utterson*

 **Utterson** : …

 **Jekyll** : Wh-what? Y-you said I don't have to hide my feelings from you! O/O

 **Utterson** : … Bedroom. Now.

7.

 **Sir Carew** : Good evening, Sir! May I ask you what –

 **Hyde** : Dr. Jekyll is so mean to me! He always keeps me caged and never lets me out, unless I agree with everything he says! And then there is everyone else! They hate me just because they don't like the way I look, and I haven't even hurt anyone (well, except maybe that little brat I trampled over)! And then there is my existence! Do I really exist? Am I even real? What is the meaning of l–

 **Sir Carew** : Good grief, just kill me already. -_-

8.

 **Inspector Newcomen** : Lol, that idiot disposed of the cheque book, but not of the murder weapon. What an amateur!

 **Utterson** : …

9.

 **Jekyll** : So I want nothing more to do with Hyde, he's gone, btw, and he left me this letter (that was totally not forged by me to shield him, of course not!).

 **Utterson** :* takes the letter and sighs* You forged it to shield him, didn't you?

 **Jekyll** : How the hell did you know?

10.

 **Hyde** : Hey, funny story, I'm Edward Hyde, but I'm also actually Henry Jekyll and I split my soul and separated the evil from it. So yeah, now I accidentally turned into said evil part and I need supplies to brew a witch potion, so I can go back to being a hypocritical old fart and say that everything is Hyde's fault, so help me, will ye?

 **Lanyon** : …

 **Lanyon** : I don't get paid enough to deal with this.

 **Hyde** : Hey, blame Jekyll, not me. I'm only responsible for what _I_ do.

 **Lanyon** : Ugh … just you wait … as soon as you're Henry Jekyll again, I'm going to punch you so hard …

 **Hyde** : That's fine with me. :D *mixes the formula, drinks it and turns into Jekyll*

 **Jekyll** : Hastie, I–

 **Lanyon** : *punches Jekyll*

 **Jekyll** : *rubbing his cheek* What on earth was that for?!

 **Lanyon** : For being a murderous, child-trampling, lying and self-absorbed piece of shit! And don't you dare blame the darker part of your own bloody soul for this! You're lucky I'm _not_ a total arsehole and _didn't_ slam the door into your smug face!

11.

 **Utterson** : Lanyon, what happened to you?

 **Lanyon** : *very much in shock* The horror! The extremely literary and marketable horror!

 **Utterson** : Wut.

 **Lanyon** : *sighs* I'm suffering from severe PTSD here, what do you want from me.

 **Utterson** : What the hell is even going on here?!

 **Lanyon** : Why don't you ask that arsehole Jekyll?

12.

 **Utterson** : *deep in thought*

 **Poole** : *busts in in panic* Mr. Utterson, you must help, Dr. Jekyll is gone and there is this weird little fuck Mr. Hyde who's been having a panic attack for days and wears this stupid mask and thinks that I'd fall for that, because I totally haven't served the doctor for decades, and omg, I think he killed my employer, who's gonna pay me wages now, how am I supposed to feed my family, if the doctor is dead–

 **Utterson** : Poole, calm down, I can hardly understand a word you're saying.

 **Utterson** : … Wait.

 **Utterson** : Did you just say that Jekyll is gone and there is only Hyde?

 **Both** : …

 **Both** : *panic* OMG, HE MURDERED JEKYLL!

13.

 **Hyde** : *as long as Jekyll is still there* Damn, I hate you so much, I wish you would disappear!

 **Jekyll** : Okay, I'll do you that favour then! *dies*

 **Hyde** : *panics and cries for days*

14.

 **Hyde** : Okay … time to calm down. I can do this. I totally have enough time to …

 **Utterson** : *from outside* Jekyll, I demand to see you!

 **Hyde** : NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

15.

 **Hyde** : *to Utterson* G-go away! I know that you're totally queer for Jekyll!

 **Utterson** : So are you!

 **Hyde** : Wait, what? *blushes* N-no, I'm not! As if I would ever like someone like him!

 **Utterson** : … *curiously* Was he a good lay?

 **Hyde** : …

 **Hyde** : *sighs* Utterson, Jekyll and I are the same person.

 **Utterson** : WHAT?!

 **Poole** : Knew it.

16.

 **Hyde** : Soooo, now that you know, will you let me go?

 **Utterson** : No! You're a murderer!

 **Hyde** : Am not! He asked for it!

 **Utterson** : I don't believe a word you say!

 **Hyde** : *frustrated* Of course, you believe everything that Jekyll says, even when you know that he's lying, but when I tell you the truth, you don't believe me! You have hated me ever since you met me! *bursts into tears* Why does everyone hate me just when they see my face! The world is so unfair to me! I didn't ask to be created! Stupid Jekyll and his stupid potions …

 **Utterson** : Why do I have to listen to this.

 **Poole** : Now you know what my job is like.

17.

 **Hyde** : *takes some cyanide from the cupboard* If I kill myself they can't arrest and hang me! *drinks the cyanide*

 **Hyde** : Shit. I didn't think this through. *dies*

18.

 **Utterson, after reading Lanyon's report and Jekyll's confession** : … So Hyde was telling the truth after all … *cries a river bigger than the Thames *****


End file.
